Monday, May 11, 2015

Being a Big Girl

So, I am getting married in 19 days o_O

My life has been such a fast paced blur this last year.  There has been so much good!  There has been so much stress!  There has been so much creative exploration!  But alas, me using all my creative energy towards the wedding and other outlets doesn't help this blog or my youtube channel.  I'm so tried lately.  Every time I try to write here I feel cornered by the topic of being a "nerd".  It's like my brain for some reason thinks that's not a big enough topic to cover.  Or maybe more honestly it is that the subject is so saturated to the point that I feel like a thumb print on a subway window, sure it's a completely unique design, but that doesn't take away all the other unique print smudged all across the glass.

I'm rambling...again. "Sigh" -_-

Most of my writing has been short stories and poems.  Things I don't feel 100% okay posting because people have warned me leads to copywriting nightmares.  Oh bane and my savior.

I'm so sleepy and it's only 7:13 p.m. right now....ugh.

I've asked before what people want to see from me....but I think I've been gone too long.  The small group I had gathered has branched off to other places, which is deservedly fitting.  I'm still waiting for someone to tell me the right thing to do, my worst habit.  

So do I have any answers?   I'm not sure.  Is it time for a fresh start?  Maybe.

I'm too sleepy to make any forever, big girl decisions.  Why can't I just be a big girl?  I'm getting married soon!  Shouldn't I have everything figured out?  Why hasn't my life path landed in front of me like Dorothy's house freshly plucked from Kansas?

There is one conclusion I have made so far in all of my musing sessions: I am not meant to be a critic.  I think I've just spent too much time creating to art to objectively take others works apart.  Even things I absolutely hate, I usually note good things quietly in the back of my mind along with a grudge.    But if I'm not a critic, than what am I?  I know I'm deep down a storyteller, but there are only so many nerdy stories that happen to me that I can tell you about.  That honey pot will eventually run out.  I could do creative writing, but should I be trying to get that published?  I don't know.  Any thoughts?  Anyone?

I want to fall asleep.

I often hope my dreams will give me answers.  Instead my dreams bluntly tease and torture me.   I'm not kidding.  After recalling a dream to my fiance he chimed "Wow, you're too hard on yourself even in your sleep."  Why can't I just think pretty thoughts.  I'm tried of being angry all the time.  I'm tired of being scared.  I'm tried of being worried.  All three are emotions that have throbbed in me for as long as I can remember.  But how do I learned another way?

This is just another time out of tones and tones of times where I feel ready for change, but get tangled up in the doing so.  I need a push.

It's still too early to go to bed.  I went to bed at 7:30 p.m. last night, that's how tired I was.

Just a few more hours, then bed.

I hope a few of you are still out there.  I don't know where I'm going, but I'm still moving.