Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Babbles of a Fangirl - My Zombie Survival Guide

It is officially the most bewitching month of the year (and my personal favorite!) and what better way to celebrate the darkest days of the damned then with a good old babble about something truly horrifying....

MY FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESSES!!!!

I kid, I kid....but you have to admit....I had you pretty scared!  Today we are going to explore something that has fascinated me for quite sometime....zombies.  

Back of the beginning of the year some of you might recall that I started playing 'The Walking Dead' video game and much to my shock....I fell in love with it.  I was going to write a whole months worth of diaries detailing the lessons I learned as a gamer.  Sadly that saga was lost the the murky swamp that was my former, soul sucking job.  I'm happy to report that I am in a new, equally soul sucking job that too keeps me away from all of you, but at least involves a lot less backless dresses and cigarette smoke (If you can guess what I used to do...and no it's not the obvious....I will let you pick the next blog topic).  Long story short, I owe you all a babble or two about zombies and what better month than the one that hosts Halloween?  So lets go!  Here is my zombie survival guide.  

1. Lose your FABULOUS ---- CHECK!

Confused already?  You need to get creative to get out of your zombie stuffed suburb and into the wilderness (I will explain that more in a later step) so the first thing you need to do is find anything you happen to have on your mid-out break to save your life.  If you are me it will probably all start in the middle of the work day.  You're thinking that not making your completely painful call goal of a 110 calls a day is going to be the most monumental thing that happen in your day, when suddenly....you see out your office window the hoards of zombies beginning to gather.  You need to get out of that building and you only have what on you to do so.  First thing, the heels are gone.  I'd rather be barefoot is this society of the damned than tromping in those walking trip traps.  A heel is a great way to bash an on coming zombies head.  Lose the jewelry too.  Those chunky necklaces you bought from Forever 21 for only $4.00 is a choking trap waiting to happen.  Pocket them...you might be able to scrap it for parts later, and push on.  Find a way to convert that restricting pencil skit into and easy moving pair of shorts and you are on your way.  Find the first REI and get bundled up because your next step is to....

2. Live in a icebox ----CHECK!

If you are from a state as frozen as the one I live in you will quickly find out that winter might cause your butt checks to freeze together, but it's a pretty useful tool in zombie survival.  Imagine it, all of the slow, sloshing along zombies are slowly met with a harsh chill that eases from slowing them down to flat our freezing them in their labored steps.  BAM!  Winter might suck due to the lack of heat caused by all of the electricity going out, but if you bundle up in you warmest pair of long underwear you will be bashing zombie popsicles the same way drunk, rednecks noodle fish from the river.

I'm serious....this noodling this is real.
The opportunity to reduce the zombie population significantly by spring aside, winter provides a great chance to save energy that will be needed when the weather warms up.  You will have more chance to improve shelters and find seclusion...which brings us to the next step to survival....

3. Become one with nature----CHECK!

Want to avoid becoming brain bait?  How about we get as far away from the cities as possible.  Cities provide more people, which means more chances for someone to kick the bucket and turn in a flesh eating nightmare.  The farther you are from crowds, the farther you are from the zombies main food source.  Sure there might be the wandering zombie in the middle of nowhere, starved and ready for a bit, but it's weakened defenses will give you a better chance of fighting it off.  Which brings me to my final tip.

4. The buddy system----CHECK!

Sure there is strength in numbers, more defenses and more ground can be covered for the things you will need to keep alive.  On the other hand, there is also strength is solitude, less people to worry about and all of the resources become yours. I prefer the buddy system.  If zombies are attacking you find your buddy and you stick with them!  You won't have to keep track of a high head count and you wont have to sleep with both eyes open and your fists wrapped around that shovel you named Smithy and talk to for advice on why the trees are staring at you.  You will have a rock.  In the wild morning doves mate for life.  Once they meet their mate they stick with them until it's the end.  A zombie survivalist must do the same.  A zombie survivalist must embrace their inner morning dove.  There you go....you probably never thought the words zombie and morning dove could be used in the same sentence with out involving decapitation or eating.  That's why you need to heed my advice on how to survive the zombie apocalypse.  It might not be the most clever or detailed, but it's just crazy enough to work!

Trust me...I will have more tips and tricks coming soon, but for now I hope you enjoyed my ideas!  Now excuse me....I need to get my glitter....more on that later ;)

Tootles!