Vlog! It's My Birthday (Tomorrow)

A vlog about my birthday....that somehow turned into a babble about living life to its fullest!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YmARZHboJM

Love you all lots!

Xoxo!!!!

Babbles of a Fangirl - How Do I Start Again? (Or New Beginnings)

I'm really good at making promises and letting life get in the way.  Correction!  I have a habit of making promises then getting really, really lazy.  I promised 31 blog posts.  That was a horrible promise from someone who has not wrote a consistent blog in over a year.  I thought I could fix it.   Quick! I'll just change my original entry to the "13 Days of Halloween" and to hell with sounding like I'm copying a beloved ABC Family tradition!  

Then I started thinking about this blog and why I started it.  I briefly touched in my last entry how hard it is when you know that no one is actually reading your stuff.  What's the point of writing something that no viewer (sans the few people you force to sit in front of your computer screen) are actually going to read?  I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some part of me that wanted this blog to take off and make me successful.  In my dream world viewers would come flocking to read the thoughts of a nerdy girl and be wowed by my fresh new take on writing.  Slowly I'd build a following and than start a youtube channel and go viral.  Soon monitoring my videos would lead to me writing and making videos for a living!  I'd finally be doing something I love for a living.  No longer would I be forced to make a 110 dreary calls everyday only to be told by people as old as time itself that I don't explain things correctly or that my voice is too soft.  I would finally be happy with my career.  I would finally feel like the gifts I was told I have weren't being wasted in a tiny cube where the phone never stops ringing.  

Alas, I have a really unfortunate habit of not doing anything if I am not either hit by strong inspiration or able to achieve perfection with my art. This habit started to buck its head badly about 5 years ago.  I have a few theories why but we'll save those for the day I cave and finally see a therapist.  For now I'm focusing on being happy with the simple act of making art and not souring it with the need to be perfect.  I'm terribly afraid of criticism and failure.  On the internet there is no limit to the amount of "input" you can receive on the stuff you create.  I have received so many nice comments on this blog from some wonderful people!  Many of you are also very talented writers and video makers and I consider it an honor to get your feedback.  That being said, I have another habit of letting one negative opinion make me crumble.  Almost a year ago I had someone commented on one of my youtube videos saying that I referenced that I had viewers, but I shouldn't say that because no one was watching.  I quickly deleted that comment and blocked that viewer.  Still, those words hit me pretty hard.  My views were starting to slump rather badly at that point.  Maybe I really was failing at this whole internet nerd stuff and I just needed to go away.  

Cut to another few months ago.  I decided to take a gamble and apply to write for a real website.  Maybe I could finally find my voice in a more professional setting.  I spoke with the person in charge and they seemed interested.  I emailed some of my ideas to them and then silence.  I never heard back to them.  Looking back I'm sure they just got busy with a lot of candidates and I just lost out.  At the time my thoughts were vastly different.  My mind has a habit of being rather loud for being in such a petite woman. Maybe it is true, the genius ideas I've been sitting on aren't all that genius and it is really time to go away.  Hence a hiatus of little writing and next to no videos.  

You know what?  I missed writing about whatever my heart desired.  I missed learning how to edit on my crappy Imovie editing software and shooting with my horrible web camera.  I missed creating something, throwing it out into the internet black hole and seeing if anything survived the cosmos.  I missed chatting it up with other creators on twitter who had great thoughts and ideas. 

But how to restart?  I felt like a failure slinking back into a room full of people that watched you leave.  That bring us back to the start of my little story.  I thought I could come back with a bang!  A crazy marathon of writing like a maniac for a month was sure to make up for my absence!   Now I see how that was not only unfair to any readers happy to have me back but unfair to myself. A mental change in how I view my writing was needed just as badly as a fresh start.  I can't be my worst critic anymore.  I can't be afraid of critics either.  I will never make it under the weight of either. 

I'm not perfect.  I don't know if I will ever have a consistent writing schedule or completely get over my fears of rejection, but I hope a few of you will have me back.  I think it is time to relaunch The Patchwork Nerd and take away the need for perfection.  Instead let's start out with just me, a humble nerd, hoping you enjoy what babbles I have to babble.  I'm going to hit the drawing board and I don't know what will stay the same and what will change.  If you have any input, please share!  Your thoughts will always be important to me, even if I try to take it all with a grain of salt.  Above all I promise you this, I will only keep going as long as I'm having fun.  If you see me stressed out or not having fun, throw me in the corner for a breather or push me into a pile of Fluttershy (Someday my spell check will know "Fluttershy" isn't a typo) plushies.  So here goes a new adventure and I hope to have at least a few of you with me!  

Thanks guys and gals!  Let's do this!

Tootles!

Xoxo

^_^

The 31 Posts of Halloween - Day 1

The other day I was looking at my blog, thinking to myself "Oh yeah!  I have a blog I sometimes write!" In comparison to previous years, I have really dropped the ball with writing.  I will be honest, my excuse is still the same.  I'm working a lot.  My personal life is hectic.  Oh, and my lazy.  Really lazy.  There is no sense is sugar coating that trust.  This blog was my pride and joy a few years ago and I started to slack badly.  The main reason being that I wasn't getting many viewers, if any.  I thought to myself, "What's the point if no one is reading?"  Well I can't expect to get readers if I stop writing.  Also, though I love you few but faithful, I forgot the most important thing:  I started writing this blog for myself.  I had nerdy stories I wanted to tell and it was fun having a place I could put them.  So with all that babbling aside, it's time to get back to work. . . .

Introducing the 31 days of Halloween!  That's right!  For the entire month of October I will write a blog  or make a video, every....single....day!   Will I succeed?  Will I write anything good or funny or noteworthy?  You will have to stick around to find out!  So here we go!  Today is just an introduction but coming tomorrow if your first look at the month of the spooky!  Tomorrow we talk about the scariest movie I have ever NOT SEEN!  Tomorrow is all about "Child's Play".

....Meep....

Babbles of a Fangirl - Betrayal at House on the Hill

On a dark night, you and your group of ragtag friends decide to enter the old house on top the hill.  You know not what awaits you once you enter the dusty foyer, but the uneasy knots in your stomach  and the setting of the sun make you certain that this isn't going to be a normal night.

A while back I watched an episode of the beloved show, Table Flip, that led me to my dream game.  Betrayal at House on the Hill takes my love of Clue combined with the  the suspense of any good horror movie and creates a game that changes not only the board every time you play, but the story you are submersed in.   The game consists of two phases.  In the first phase you explore the creepy mansion, revealing the haunted room, hidden objects, and frightening events awaiting you.  Eventually one of your friends turns traitor and a scenario is revealed, showing you what evils you must fight within the house.

My fiance by chance found this game after a hunt at a local game shop.  He unveiled the box to me with a flourish, adding to my delight that this game would finally be mine!  It was several weeks before we had the right group of friends assembled to play, but when we finally did, it was a glorious affair. I unwisely looked into a sinister book that corrupted my brain and made me determined to awaken a forbidden god from another realm.  My friends quickly began their efforts to stop my evil plan.  Alas, they snatched my book away and threw into in the flames of the basement furnace.  Thus, they freed me from my mission and stopped one of many evils that lingered in the house.

Betrayal is a great game if you like story based adventures or bone chilling horror.   If you are lucky enough to have the right group of friends playing, you can build on the games eery text and create a world so real you can feel cobwebs and dust settling on your chilled skin.  But never fear!  If you want to be silly, the game doesn't have to be a bump in the middle of the night!  Betrayal really becomes a game of whatever you put into it!  As long as you are having fun, good times will be had by all!  I can't wait until the next time I play.  I hope I will have more stories to report on my adventures through the house....that is....if the evil within doesn't get me first ;)

Xoxo                                                                                        

Blogging about Life

Hi....hi.....hi.....hi???? Anyone still there?  Hands?

Okay so....

I've gotten engaged.  I've moved into a town house.  My dog is growing into a yellow, fluffy man.  And I still love pizza.

How have you been?

<3

(Quick! Play me off!)

The Importance of Touching Yourself

I didn't think I would ever tell anyone this story (outside of close family) let alone write about it, but I feel this is something I need to get out. This isn't a nerdy story. This isn't my usual rambles about movies or video games. This is a story, my story.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.

About a month ago I went to the doctors for a routine physical. I've always hated going to the doctor but I was overdue for a check up. In all honestly I was gearing myself for the news that I have an overactive thyroid, as it's been a trend in my family's medical history.  That coupled with my worry about drawing blood (it was my first time) were the only health concerns I could imagine.  I went through the motions, they checked my weight and height, asked me a million questions, poked this and prodded that, all in the most routine on manners.

Then the doctor had me dress in a gown so she could check my breasts.  It was amidst a standard, small talk conversation that the doctor nonchalantly asked me "Did you know there is a lump in your breast?"  I almost didn't hear what she had said.  I was so stunned by this observation.  There is very little history of breast cancer in my family and I am only twenty-three years old.  I shouldn't be worrying about lumps in my breasts...I'm too young.

Trying to keep my calm I told the doctor I had not noticed.

And then she checked the other side.  I had a lump in my other breast.  To say I was worried would be a lie.  I wasn't worried.  I wasn't processing anything she said.  I knew this couldn't be true.  It was as if my brain had decided to disconnect from my body and watch some strange girl turn into a wreck about her health.  I wasn't that girl.  I couldn't be that girl.

In a relaxed tone the doctor mentioned I would need an ultrasound to look at both my breasts.  That was the last of the conversation and it wasn't until later that my next appointment to get an ultrasound was set up.

I went through the time between hearing that news and the time of my ultrasound putting my health as far into the back of my mind as I could.  I knew if I sat and thought about it for any length of time, I would lose my cool.  I would break down and be too scared to get back up. Of course the occasional freak out popped out form me...but I was handling this news far better than I could have ever dreamed.  So I continued to distracted myself with happy thoughts.

And then guy Alex proposed.  Guy Alex of course knew about my the lump.  I really feel the lump had  0% to do with his decision to ask me to marry him.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the cogs were in motion long before we had the news.  But I couldn't have asked for better timing.  He had asked me about a week before my appointment for the ultrasound and the distractions of overwhelmingly good news helped me get through everything with ease.  Not to mention, having that glittery ring on my finger helped remind me that no matter what happened, good news or bad, I had a permanent partner in crime.

The night before the ultrasound was really when I was at my worst.  Guy Alex and I laid in bed, just about to go to sleep, when I told him how frightened I was.  He held me close, snuggled our pup, Willie, between us, and told me it would be okay.  I had troubles sleeping, but if it wasn't for his kind words I wouldn't have slept at all that night.

The day of the ultrasound finally came.  My boss had been out of the office the entire week before so I only could give her notice the day of that I would be gone for the afternoon at the doctors and I didn't know if I would be back for the end of the day.  Unfortunately, she was visibly unhappy that I would miss the last 2 1/2 hours of the day and verbally chastised me for going over the allotted 2 hours employees got for doctors appointments. I honestly didn't care.  If I got bad news, I wasn't going to want to go back to work.  If I got good news, I would want to hold my loved ones near and celebrate.

It's funny how professional one can become when they are speaking to doctors.  I work in a job where I am on the phone 95% of my day so I know how to talk professionally.  I felt so adult explaining my story to the doctor and nurse while using my big girl voice.  My Mom thankfully went with me and I wanted nothing more to turn into a puddle and beg her for all the hugs and lollypops I could ever ask for, but I knew I needed to be strong, if not for myself than for her.  I mean, how scary would it be to be a parent, watch your babies grow up into real, breathing adults, and then watch them confront a serious medical problem head on?  If I were that parent I would be terrified.  So I shut up despite my desire to cry my eyes out and scream "WHY ME?!?!" and instead focused on showing my Mom the engagement ring guy Alex had got me and made small talk about what to expect in my appointment.

The nurse was close to my age, so I really felt like I had to be an adult.  I took off everything above my stomach (except my engagement ring, which really gave me comfort) and let the nurse do her job. I thought the gel they use for ultrasounds would be freezing cold.  It's not.  You almost don't feel it because of the of the soothingly neutral temperature. Next the nurse brought in the doctor and she too inspected my breasts and spoke in one of the most relaxed voices I have ever heard.  She showed me where my rib cage was and pointed out my heart beat.  I couldn't help myself and when she showed me the thump, thumping of my heart all I could say was, "I really need to relax!"  We all laughed.

The doctor finished up and smiled.

"I don't see anything of concern.  You have a small cyst, but that's it."

I smiled.  I breathed.  I was okay.  I could finally focus on planning our wedding.  I could talk to my Mom with out worrying I would scare her.  I was healthy.  I don't have breast cancer. 

The rest of that day focused on happy thoughts and smiles.  It isn't until something so frightening happens that you really start to see all your other worries are so damn small in the grand scheme of things. Even now, looking back on it I don't think I fully understand how lucky I am.  I had two lumps, one in each breast and I got out of this situation, healthy and okay.  I try not to fathom the many of woman who don't get so lucky because that could easily have been me.

I'm not going to nag you to check yourself.  I'm not going to nag you to get routine physicals.  I'm just going to leave you with this, life is scary, but it is also beautiful.  You can get the worst news and the next day have the happiest moment of your life.  The bad will happen and it might not be for a reason or grand plan in the universe, but it can have an impact on you.  You decide the impact bad moments have on your life.  You can ignore them and stay the same.  You can let them push you down until you crumble.  Or maybe, just maybe, you can keep your smiling going and use it to make you stronger and happier.  I have often crumbled from tragedies but after a while you get tired of letting yourself fall down.  Even though you may be crushed a thousand times by life, if you stand up you will be surprised what waits for you.  I am standing now and I am happy. I can see everything waiting for me, waiting for my life and I can't wait to keep going.

I love you guys.  I will try to get back to my writing schedule.  For now, just do me a favor....and smile!

^_^       <----LIKE THIS!

Tootles xoxo

Let's Play a Game!

So I'm kind of writing this in my iPhone because it is going to be a crazy night but gosh darn it I said I would post every Thursday and I'm sick of being a liar!  I am fresh out of quick article ideas that don't involve me posting a bunch of pictures, so how about we make a deal? I will write about whatever you guys want. Just post your idea to my twitter @ThePatchwrkNerd and use #williethepup I will put all the suggestions in a hat and chose one at random. I might even make a video about it!

Rules!

1. Keep it clean. I'm fine with swearing but nothing dirty please! 

2. Nothing mean, I will not write about why so and so sucks....unless its Michael Bay

3. Have fun! More than one suggestion is welcomed!

Let the games begin!

Okay one puppy pic!