A Fresh Start

I am officially a married woman.  Well, I was over a week ago, but it doesn't strike me to update all forms of social media with the details the same way is does many other people my age.  So long story short, I am married and it was a perfect, perfect day.  I couldn't have asked for a better day or a better husband.  My little life is getting so wonderful!

I've been reading "Gone Girl" a story that shows the exact opposite of marital bliss.  Normally a book like this would make me panic.  "How long until our relationship is this horrible?" or "When is everything going to go wrong?" but no.  I am learning to just let myself be happy.

Now if I only had the day job to match my personal life.

Now that wedding planning is done, I'm realizing how much I need writing again.  I can't wake up and comb wedding blogs for creative ideas.  In fact, I have been avoiding wedding blogs for fear that I will never let go of them.  So what do I do now?  Besides clean my horror of house, that is.  Writing!  I can finally write again!  I have the energy.  I have a writers group I have been a part of for some time now, so I have people pushing me (and boy Alex does that too).  I have FREETIME!  But yet again, here is another introspective post with nothing to do with the content I've promised for this blog.  Am I never going to be a nerd again?!?

No, I'm almost fully past that phase.  I like being a nerd.  I love writing about nerd stuff.  Am I always going to talk about it?  Maybe not.  I am going to branch out!  I still don't have a clear idea of where I am going, but I have a few experiments up my sleeves!

So let's start fresh.  My name is Patchwork (or Alex).  I am 24 years old and I am married to the love of my life (he is also named Alex).  We have a pup named Willie who sleeps like a donut.  My favorite video game is Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and I danced to Zelda's Lullaby with my father at my wedding.  I am very short, perky, and creative.  I want to change the world with my writing.  Is that a lot to ask for?  I hope you will stick around.

For now tootles!
xoxo!

Being a Big Girl

So, I am getting married in 19 days o_O

My life has been such a fast paced blur this last year.  There has been so much good!  There has been so much stress!  There has been so much creative exploration!  But alas, me using all my creative energy towards the wedding and other outlets doesn't help this blog or my youtube channel.  I'm so tried lately.  Every time I try to write here I feel cornered by the topic of being a "nerd".  It's like my brain for some reason thinks that's not a big enough topic to cover.  Or maybe more honestly it is that the subject is so saturated to the point that I feel like a thumb print on a subway window, sure it's a completely unique design, but that doesn't take away all the other unique print smudged all across the glass.

I'm rambling...again. "Sigh" -_-

Most of my writing has been short stories and poems.  Things I don't feel 100% okay posting because people have warned me leads to copywriting nightmares.  Oh copyrights....my bane and my savior.

I'm so sleepy and it's only 7:13 p.m. right now....ugh.

I've asked before what people want to see from me....but I think I've been gone too long.  The small group I had gathered has branched off to other places, which is deservedly fitting.  I'm still waiting for someone to tell me the right thing to do, my worst habit.  

So do I have any answers?   I'm not sure.  Is it time for a fresh start?  Maybe.

I'm too sleepy to make any forever, big girl decisions.  Why can't I just be a big girl?  I'm getting married soon!  Shouldn't I have everything figured out?  Why hasn't my life path landed in front of me like Dorothy's house freshly plucked from Kansas?

There is one conclusion I have made so far in all of my musing sessions: I am not meant to be a critic.  I think I've just spent too much time creating to art to objectively take others works apart.  Even things I absolutely hate, I usually note good things quietly in the back of my mind along with a grudge.    But if I'm not a critic, than what am I?  I know I'm deep down a storyteller, but there are only so many nerdy stories that happen to me that I can tell you about.  That honey pot will eventually run out.  I could do creative writing, but should I be trying to get that published?  I don't know.  Any thoughts?  Anyone?

I want to fall asleep.

I often hope my dreams will give me answers.  Instead my dreams bluntly tease and torture me.   I'm not kidding.  After recalling a dream to my fiance he chimed "Wow, you're too hard on yourself even in your sleep."  Why can't I just think pretty thoughts.  I'm tried of being angry all the time.  I'm tired of being scared.  I'm tried of being worried.  All three are emotions that have throbbed in me for as long as I can remember.  But how do I learned another way?

This is just another time out of tones and tones of times where I feel ready for change, but get tangled up in the doing so.  I need a push.

It's still too early to go to bed.  I went to bed at 7:30 p.m. last night, that's how tired I was.

Just a few more hours, then bed.

I hope a few of you are still out there.  I don't know where I'm going, but I'm still moving.

Xoxo

A Very Important Question

Why is my pup so cute?  Thoughts? #WilliethePup

But seriously....where does the time go?  It's already the start of a new year!  This is going to be a big year for me and my family too. I am so close to the adventure of marriage becoming a reality for me!  That alone boggles my mind daily!  I feel like something big is coming this year.  Call it intuition or just blindly assuming I deserve big things simply because I hope for them. Either way, I am remaining positive.  Yeah, me positive, who'd-a-thunk it? I am so afraid of change and desperately welcoming it at the same time.  In short....UGH!  Life is rambling and confusing (Like this post!).  It is scary, new, and sometimes familiar.  Nothing stays the same.  Speaking of not staying the same, I have been thinking.  Now I know that's often dangerous, especially for me, but it seemed like it was time to really evaluate some things.  I started "The Patchwork Nerd" a few years ago as a safe place to discuss my nerdy ramblings.  It's been a great source for reviewing, venting, wishing, and connecting.  The past 2 years I have neglected it far more because of work and sheer laziness.  Maybe I've also neglected it because maybe, deep down, I've been moving in a different direction.  Don't get me wrong, I will always be a nerd.  That's not going away no matter how hard I try to cover is in skinny jeans and fake nails and other crap girls are supposed to like.  The thing is, I don't know where the direction is.  My second to last post focused on the idea of re-inventing myself and this blog.  I still have no answers.  I keep writing and writing, hoping a shinny "AH HA!" moment will rain down on me like divine light.  Part of me thinks I should just keep doing what I've always been doing and just have fun.  Another part of me wants to try something new.  As usual, I am in conflict with myself.  

I guess I want to make a new years resolution of sorts for my identity as the Patchwork Nerd....but I just don't know what goal to make.  Do I pledge to write more articles?  Do I vow to branch out and try new topics and material?  Do I start doing creative writing here like poems and short stories?  Do I finally start writing a novel?  Do I just plan to stop writing retrospective blogs that drone on and on and on and on?  I wish I knew what to do.  I could poll you all, but that's not fair.  I can't expect others to always find my answers.  I tend to lean on the crutch a bit too much.  Maybe my only goal will be to keep moving forward and trying.  

Perhaps....

Only time will tell.   

So in a very round about way, Happy New Years guys!  Take care and keep working hard.  I will keep trying to find my goal, my purpose, and my direction.  If only I could look two ways at once, right?

(I've been watching a LOT of Naruto lately) 

Tootles xoxo

Babbles of a Fan Girl - Let's Talk about Suicide Squad and Star Wars (A.K.A Trailers and News)

Once upon a time, back when I had the ability to be a full-time nerd, I would go to a website called firstshowing.net. It is a movie news website and is always up-do-date with the goings on in the movie world.  I would check that site every-single-day (I'm fond of the "-" today <3) for any and all news about movies.  Meryl Streep sneezed and won another Oscar?  I knew about that weeks ago!  They decided to make another Harry Potter film about that time he got locked in the janitors closet and did nothing but play with himself for 3 hours until Professor Expendable found him?  Yeah, I knew about the green light AND Warner Brothers dropping the project to make Hangover 37.2.

That being said, I became an adult, got "a real job" and fell out of touch with movies.  Instead of always being ahead of the curb (insert Joker reference here) I am one of the usual slobs finding out my movie and pop culture news via Facebook.  I could go on a whole rant about the horrors of using Facebook as your primary news stop, but we will save that rant for another day.  When I heard about the new Star Wars trailer or the announcement of a Suicide Squad movie, I felt more "Huh....That's a thing," than anything else. . . . and then came the fandom.

Within ten minutes of hearing about all of this, I already had friends of Facebook and twitter blowing up my feed with opinions.  "The casting sucks!"  "What the hell is up with the new light sabers!"  "This trailer is just trying to make me excited!" There was so much negativity around franchises that should be exciting us.  I was about to throw up my hands and ignore the internet until the Rotten Tomato Reviews came trickling in.

Then I paused and thought.

Once upon a time, having Suicide Squad made into movies would have been impossible.  Now these type of franchises are popping up as fast as cereal mascots did in the 90s.  We have seen great work and we have seen bad, so we tend to be skeptical when these announcements come about.  I will admit ever since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got a reboot I too started to fear the dread when it came to adaptations. So why am I not raging now?  Although I've never read the comics, Harley Quinn is my favorite villain.  The actress chosen to play her rings no bells in my mind.  Shouldn't I be hunting down her every performance to see if she will live up to my expectations?  Shouldn't I be writing her long emails explaining how she can properly play this beloved character?  We will get back to answering those questions. First, let us talk about Star Wars: The Force Awakens

We were teased at the hopes of revisiting the nostalgia of the Star Wars universe when the prequels came out, only to be met with classic lines "Are you an angel?" or "Me-sa-piece-of-shitta". Our childhoods were attacked by disappointment and we swore to never let it happen again.  In other words, I think the creators of the new Star Wars films were doomed no matter what they put in that teaser trailer.  Fans were going to be ready for a fight.  We refuse to be scrapped across the cheese grader belief Hollywood has that "if you adapt it, fans will come". However, after watching the trailer a few times, I knew what the makers were probably going for.  Call it a sort of "Make the fans feels like its the old Stars Wars, but with lots of cool new shit too".  Yes the rolling droid is silly, the new light saber raises a lot of tactical questions, and we really don't get any sense of the plot.  We do however get some strong visuals of the worlds we are going to see, a snip it of a sinister figure, and a sense of fun coupled with the fact that the franchise has matured.  The creators had to pack a lot of punch into not a lot of time, so cut them some slack if it wasn't the most epic thing you've ever seen in your life.  It's a teaser trailer.  It is meant to TEASE not give you the over all plot.  It is supposed to leave you wondering so you will come back to see the full trailer.  And yes, there are probably some who were so underwhelmed that they aren't going back. I don't think that's going to break the movie though.  And I don't see this trailer as the first domino is a line of disappointment.  I see it as the trunk of possibilities that will hopefully branch out.  I am not going to totally freak out until I actually see the movie....or hear that Megan Fox is playing Princess Leia.

Now let us gather round and sum up where I'm going with all these babbles.  I think ultimately what I'm trying to say is don't take snip-its too seriously.  Yes, this is coming from a girl who is still boycotting TMNT after she heard some "fun facts" about the reboot, but that was a final nail in a coffin that Michael Bay had been building for quite sometime.  Right now Suicide Squad seems to have some great performers attached like Will Smith and Oscar winner Jared Leto and Star Wars: The Force Awakens is being directed and produced by J.J. Abrams, who I feel is a solid Sci-fi director.  Let's all for now just calm down, eat some sugar cookies, and be excited while we can.  After all, it's only a matter of time before Michael Bay tries to turn My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic into a live action film staring Megan Fox as Princess Twilight Sparkle and Danny Devito as Spike. So be goddamn thankful for what you have!

Tootles.

Vlog! It's My Birthday (Tomorrow)

A vlog about my birthday....that somehow turned into a babble about living life to its fullest!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YmARZHboJM

Love you all lots!

Xoxo!!!!

Babbles of a Fangirl - How Do I Start Again? (Or New Beginnings)

I'm really good at making promises and letting life get in the way.  Correction!  I have a habit of making promises then getting really, really lazy.  I promised 31 blog posts.  That was a horrible promise from someone who has not wrote a consistent blog in over a year.  I thought I could fix it.   Quick! I'll just change my original entry to the "13 Days of Halloween" and to hell with sounding like I'm copying a beloved ABC Family tradition!  

Then I started thinking about this blog and why I started it.  I briefly touched in my last entry how hard it is when you know that no one is actually reading your stuff.  What's the point of writing something that no viewer (sans the few people you force to sit in front of your computer screen) are actually going to read?  I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some part of me that wanted this blog to take off and make me successful.  In my dream world viewers would come flocking to read the thoughts of a nerdy girl and be wowed by my fresh new take on writing.  Slowly I'd build a following and than start a youtube channel and go viral.  Soon monitoring my videos would lead to me writing and making videos for a living!  I'd finally be doing something I love for a living.  No longer would I be forced to make a 110 dreary calls everyday only to be told by people as old as time itself that I don't explain things correctly or that my voice is too soft.  I would finally be happy with my career.  I would finally feel like the gifts I was told I have weren't being wasted in a tiny cube where the phone never stops ringing.  

Alas, I have a really unfortunate habit of not doing anything if I am not either hit by strong inspiration or able to achieve perfection with my art. This habit started to buck its head badly about 5 years ago.  I have a few theories why but we'll save those for the day I cave and finally see a therapist.  For now I'm focusing on being happy with the simple act of making art and not souring it with the need to be perfect.  I'm terribly afraid of criticism and failure.  On the internet there is no limit to the amount of "input" you can receive on the stuff you create.  I have received so many nice comments on this blog from some wonderful people!  Many of you are also very talented writers and video makers and I consider it an honor to get your feedback.  That being said, I have another habit of letting one negative opinion make me crumble.  Almost a year ago I had someone commented on one of my youtube videos saying that I referenced that I had viewers, but I shouldn't say that because no one was watching.  I quickly deleted that comment and blocked that viewer.  Still, those words hit me pretty hard.  My views were starting to slump rather badly at that point.  Maybe I really was failing at this whole internet nerd stuff and I just needed to go away.  

Cut to another few months ago.  I decided to take a gamble and apply to write for a real website.  Maybe I could finally find my voice in a more professional setting.  I spoke with the person in charge and they seemed interested.  I emailed some of my ideas to them and then silence.  I never heard back to them.  Looking back I'm sure they just got busy with a lot of candidates and I just lost out.  At the time my thoughts were vastly different.  My mind has a habit of being rather loud for being in such a petite woman. Maybe it is true, the genius ideas I've been sitting on aren't all that genius and it is really time to go away.  Hence a hiatus of little writing and next to no videos.  

You know what?  I missed writing about whatever my heart desired.  I missed learning how to edit on my crappy Imovie editing software and shooting with my horrible web camera.  I missed creating something, throwing it out into the internet black hole and seeing if anything survived the cosmos.  I missed chatting it up with other creators on twitter who had great thoughts and ideas. 

But how to restart?  I felt like a failure slinking back into a room full of people that watched you leave.  That bring us back to the start of my little story.  I thought I could come back with a bang!  A crazy marathon of writing like a maniac for a month was sure to make up for my absence!   Now I see how that was not only unfair to any readers happy to have me back but unfair to myself. A mental change in how I view my writing was needed just as badly as a fresh start.  I can't be my worst critic anymore.  I can't be afraid of critics either.  I will never make it under the weight of either. 

I'm not perfect.  I don't know if I will ever have a consistent writing schedule or completely get over my fears of rejection, but I hope a few of you will have me back.  I think it is time to relaunch The Patchwork Nerd and take away the need for perfection.  Instead let's start out with just me, a humble nerd, hoping you enjoy what babbles I have to babble.  I'm going to hit the drawing board and I don't know what will stay the same and what will change.  If you have any input, please share!  Your thoughts will always be important to me, even if I try to take it all with a grain of salt.  Above all I promise you this, I will only keep going as long as I'm having fun.  If you see me stressed out or not having fun, throw me in the corner for a breather or push me into a pile of Fluttershy (Someday my spell check will know "Fluttershy" isn't a typo) plushies.  So here goes a new adventure and I hope to have at least a few of you with me!  

Thanks guys and gals!  Let's do this!

Tootles!

Xoxo

^_^

The 31 Posts of Halloween - Day 1

The other day I was looking at my blog, thinking to myself "Oh yeah!  I have a blog I sometimes write!" In comparison to previous years, I have really dropped the ball with writing.  I will be honest, my excuse is still the same.  I'm working a lot.  My personal life is hectic.  Oh, and my lazy.  Really lazy.  There is no sense is sugar coating that trust.  This blog was my pride and joy a few years ago and I started to slack badly.  The main reason being that I wasn't getting many viewers, if any.  I thought to myself, "What's the point if no one is reading?"  Well I can't expect to get readers if I stop writing.  Also, though I love you few but faithful, I forgot the most important thing:  I started writing this blog for myself.  I had nerdy stories I wanted to tell and it was fun having a place I could put them.  So with all that babbling aside, it's time to get back to work. . . .

Introducing the 31 days of Halloween!  That's right!  For the entire month of October I will write a blog  or make a video, every....single....day!   Will I succeed?  Will I write anything good or funny or noteworthy?  You will have to stick around to find out!  So here we go!  Today is just an introduction but coming tomorrow if your first look at the month of the spooky!  Tomorrow we talk about the scariest movie I have ever NOT SEEN!  Tomorrow is all about "Child's Play".

....Meep....